Words that hurt

I came across this blog: namastechild.blogspot.com and read her entry about PC speech related to adoption. I thought the way she wrote about it was very good. She points out what the child is hearing/interpretting and also the Momma Lion response. Then she states what is best to say. This is very helpful to me on both sides of the converstation. I have learned alot and hopefully don't say the hurtful things I have said in the past. 

We all have put our foot in our mouth....if you think you haven't you might want to pull it out right now..Haha! I will share two experiences where I wish I had just kept my mouth shut or at least thought through what I was saying. Both these instances were conversations with adoptive moms that I adore and they both inspired me to adopt. I truly love these families and it hurts my heart that my words were so thoughtless. Praise God for mercy & forgiveness.

Scenario #1: Adoptive mother talking to me about the challenges of her adopted child. Major attachment issues that were destroying their family. I am VERY close to this family. I consider them my spiritual mentors. I have a degree in counseling so in my smugness I say "I just don't think people think through all the issues with these kids who have traumatic histories. I think they have no idea what they are getting themselves into" Her loving, gracefilled, SHINE THE LIGHT into my dark heart response? "I just don't think that is how Jesus would see it or how he would look at these children. He loves them." Uhhhh, not only did that shut my arrogant mouth but it opened my hard heart. Thank you sweet friend!

Scenario #2: Family at my church, B & L. I felt a special connection to the daughter who was adopted from China. God did use this little girl to open my heart to my own daughter! But one Sunday I was helping in the nursery with this mother and her daughter. Another family's newly adopted daughter from China, M, was in the nursery with us that morning. We were told not to put her in a swing b/c she hated it and spent a lot of time confined to a chair, swing, etc. while at the orphanage. When that comment was made I piped in with "The conditions those children live in are just awful!" I continued with some more statements about the horrid conditions of the orphange.....of course all my knowledge was from the family in scenario #1 and the TV news shows. I said this in front of L who was an elementary age girl who also lived in one of those orphanage. Thank goodness her mother was wise. She looked at me STRONGLY and said "Yes, but the children are brave and resiliant and God protected these girls and brought them home" I am so sorry for saying words that were hurtful to L, that was wrong. It is her mother's place, not mine, to explain to her what her life was like in the orphanage.

Here is the excerpt from the other blog. 

I don't get hung up on P.C. speech.  Say "Special education" or "Exceptional child education"; "Black" or "African American".  I don't care. I will say though that my oldest is NOT "Oriental". Things are "oriental", like rugs.  People from that far off continent are "Asian." To those who have called my son, "oriental",  I'm sure you were doing so out of ignorance, not malice, so no harm done.  Please forgive the, "He's not a vase," mumbled under my breath.  Now you know.  

As an adoptive mom I hear all sorts of comments.  And since my kids are usually within earshot, and the comments are often about them, I'm a little more sensitive to what is said, how it's worded, and how it's heard in my kids' ears.  I'm going to assume that most people are simply ignorant.  Adoption is foreign to them, and well-intentioned, good hearted people ask questions and make comments that really aren't appropriate.  This post may shed some light on what I'm talking about. 

Comments we hear at Walmart, restaurants, the park, church, school...:

1. "Are those your real children?"  What I want to say:  "Yes, I leave the fake ones at home." What my kids hear: "Why would someone look at our family and question whether or not I'm a real person?  Why isn't Mommy my real Mommy?"  What the speaker means, and SHOULD say: "Are they biologically your children?"  or "Are you an adoptive family?"  My answer: "Yes, they are ours.  We are an adoptive family."

2. "OH!  Are they adopted?"  What I want to say: "Please, make them feel like more of a freak of nature-ask us if they're part iguana."  What my kids hear: "Wow-people can tell I'm weird just by looking at me from across the room!"  What the speaker SHOULD say: "Are you an adoptive family?"  My answer: "Yes, we are."

*Yes...there's a pattern here.  "Adoptive FAMILY" is a good, P.C. term.  It shines the adoption spotlight on everyone in the family to share equally instead of one kid-the adopted one, often young and insecure-being singled out as being different in front of strangers.

3. "How much did they cost?"  What I want to say, and often do because this one makes me mad: "I don't buy babies.  That's a felony."  What my kids hear: "There is a dollar amount on my worth."  What the speaker SHOULD have asked: "How much are the fees associated with adoption?"  What I would tell you then: "About the same as birthing a baby, without complications, and there is an $11,000 tax credit to help defer some of the expense."  

4. "Aren't you sad you can't have your own children?"  What I want to say, and sometimes do: "These are my OWN children, and are you kidding me? Look at them!  They're AMAZING!  How could I want anyone other than them?!."  What my kids hear: "Please Mommy say that you love us as much as you would love a biological child.  If other people doubt that, maybe we should too."  What the speaker SHOULD have said, PRIVATELY: "Are you sad you couldn't have biological children?"  My answer: "No.  We chose adoption."

5. "They're so lucky to have you!" What I say: "I'm blessed to have THEM."  What my kids hear: "Why are we lucky?  What's so wrong with us that no one else would want us?"  What the speaker SHOULD have said, "What beautiful children!  You are so blessed to be their mom!"My answer then: "Yes, I am!" Besides, I'm a Christian, so luck has nothing to do with it.

6. "I know someone who adopted.  They had to give those kids back because they were so messed up and couldn't adjust."  What I want to say: "Are you SERIOUSLY saying this out loud in front of my children!?"  What my kids hear: "Our adoption isn't permanent; it's subject to my good behavior."  What the speaker SHOULD have said: "I know someone who adopted.  It can have its own challenges."  My response: "Yes, parenting is a big responsibility and it doesn't always turn out like we plan.  But adoption is forever, just like with a biological family."

7. "Do you know his real mom?"  What I want to say, "I am his real mom."  What the kids hear: "I have a real mom?  Who are you then?"  What the speaker MEANT to say to avoid raising my ire: "Do you have contact with their birth families?"  My answer then: "We have limited contact with them, and respect them very much for the loving choice they made."

8. Something along the lines of "Are you babysitting?"  "Are you a foster mom?"  "They don't look like you" (ya think!) or the long stare that says, "What is THIS family situation?"  What I say: "We're an adoptive family."  What the speaker SHOULD have said: nothing. Or-you guessed it- "Are you an adoptive family?"  

9. "You're just like Angelina Jolie!" What I want to say: "No.  I definitely am not.  But if sharing one common cause makes you just like someone else, then I guess I'm her clone, despite my five foot nothing-ness, ponytail and sweat pants in the Walmart aisle."  What the speaker SHOULD have said: Nothing.  I really am tired of this one.  Not that she isn't a great person...I just don't like being compared to anyone, and I certainly don't adopt to be celeb. 

There are countless other odd comments we've received, but those are the big nine, unless it's Tim and Jason with the kids at Walmart.  They get a whole other set of looks and comments! HA!  So my point is, if you see a conspicuous family and want to know more, please consider what those kids will hear when you begin asking questions.  Think if it were your family.  Know that adoptive families have the same amount of love running through them as biological ones, so no...you can't get away with these comments because it won't offend the mom as much as talking about her "real" children.  Those are her "real" children.  They do offend, and they confuse, but they also open the door for education and productive adoption conversation. 

When in doubt, go with, "Are you an adoptive family?" with a big welcoming smile. Leave luck out of it; remember we're all adopted through Jesus, and those kids are our most treasured gifts, so please don't make them squirm in uncomfortability in their grocery carts and set mom up for a long talk in the car on the way home about how we really are a REAL family.  (Yes, I made up that word.)